


Grace

by Augustus



Category: Backstreet Boys, Popslash
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-01-18
Updated: 2003-01-18
Packaged: 2018-03-11 08:15:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3320405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Augustus/pseuds/Augustus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Howie watches Nick grow up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grace

When it all began, Nick was just a kid. Sure, he had delusions of maturity, as all teenagers do, but Howie knew that there was more to Nick than the exterior bravado. On stage, he would watch as Nick refused to meet their audience's eyes, shoulders forming an uncertain frown as he struggled with dance steps too flowing for his growing limbs. Sometimes, Howie would meet Nick's eyes and be greeted only with an embarrassed look and a sudden, protective shadow of blonde fringe.

Howie didn't think much about it at the time. He and Nick weren't particularly close. Most of the time, Howie would seek out AJ's company above that of his other band mates; when he sought more adult companionship, he and Kevin would check out a local club or down a few beers at the hotel bar. Besides, Nick wasn't lacking in attention, with Brian never far from his side, designated best friend and guardian to the boy.

Nick was always awkward; it was just the way he was. Where AJ was all smooth movements and insidious looks, Nick tortured their choreography, frowning down at his feet as they tangled for the thousandth time. In interviews, his words would catch in his throat and emerge in twisted phrases, drawing bemused laughter from interviewers and the other guys while Nick mimicked a smile that didn't reach his eyes. Howie felt awkward too, at times, but it was easy for him to slip behind the moniker of Sweet Howie D and turn a stumble into a point of endearment. Nick was just young and clumsy and shadowed by the older members of the group.

When Nick became their fans' favourite heartthrob, things changed a little. Suddenly, wherever he went there were at least a dozen girls wanting to make him their own. Nick would stammer and smile and look five years younger, but their adoration never seemed to eliminate the waver in his gaze or the way his hands couldn't stay still for more than a moment. Howie watched and waited for a transformation to occur, but Nick just remained Nick, no matter how many magazine covers he was on.

Nick tried to be sexy and effortlessly fluid, but on him the moves looked like parody. At times, Howie would cringe with vicarious embarrassment, but he could never truly be sure of Nick's own impressions so he didn't say a thing. As time passed, and he and Nick grew closer, Howie began to wonder why Nick bothered with the pretence. If Nick was a little less assured than AJ and a little less polished than Kevin, then perhaps that was his appeal. His fans seemed to love him for it. One day, years after they had first met, Howie realised that maybe he loved Nick too.

Nick was forever affectionate, long arms wrapping firmly around whichever friend was closest. Sometimes he would kiss the top of Howie's head as he passed, and Howie would giggle and push him away. His biggest gestures would be saved for Brian and it was only when those two were engrossed in each other that Nick's awkwardness began to fade. Perhaps, if he'd been someone else, Howie might have felt jealous at that fact. Instead, he'd smile at Nick's contentedness and wish that it could always be that way.

Time passed and interest faded. Many of their fans grew up and moved on to newer and more subversive styles of music. Brian and Kevin married; AJ got engaged. Nick became taller and broader and sometimes Howie was too engrossed in staring to attempt to look away. It was only natural that the single members of the group began to spend more time together, only natural that Howie would begin to confide in Nick when AJ was too busy loving Sarah to have much time for his best friend. Some nights, Nick would join Howie in his hotel room, simple prattle echoing in the air as he sprawled across Howie's bed. 

Nights like that, Howie hated Nick's blind naivety, lying in the dark for hours after Nick had gone and aching for his presence. He began to crave the fumbled hugs and innocent kisses and to look forward to the evenings, when he and Nick could be alone. Away from the group, Nick's words were less engineered and his eyes clear of hesitation. He spoke of hopes and of family and of beating his latest video game, and Howie nodded and closed his mouth for fear of saying too much. The first time that Nick kissed him, they bumped noses, but to Howie it seemed perfect. The second time was flawless; afterwards, Nick smiled and his words were free of tangles.

Nick's solo album divided group emotion. Brian felt betrayed, while AJ hid his jealously behind callous flippancy. Howie didn't say much, but when the album hit the shops he bought a dozen copies, even though he'd already heard it a hundred times. Alone, Nick stood a little taller and his charm grew more tangible. Some nights, Howie watched from behind the cameras, stiff with pride and love, while others he spent gazing at his television set, veins throbbing with Nick's enthusiasm.

On stage, Nick's eyes remained clear, his movements self-assured. His happiness was evident in every liquid movement and Howie would be amazed every time at the difference a little independence had made. Later, when he lay curled in the solidity of Nick's embrace, he'd press soft kisses to the ticklish skin at the sides of Nick's neck, warm in the moment and in flowing admiration. Nick would laugh, the sound unchanged by time, and tell Howie that he loved him as he squirmed within his arms. 

Times like that, Howie's words became clumsy and his gestures awkward, and sometimes his fingers would tremble as they touched. Some nights, Howie's shoulders would bend beneath the weight of his emotion and his kisses would land slightly off centre when he sought Nick's lips. When he felt too exposed, he would shade his gaze with lowered lashes, hands twisting about themselves. Sometimes, Howie felt as if he were completely graceless.

Nick loved him anyway.

**18th January 2003**


End file.
